EFHL Letters To Santa


Welcome cretins. You just won’t stop pestering for these shitty little articles that are mainly using crude language and offensive humor. For this… I love you.

Today, we’ll get into the spirit of the season and write letters to Santa for every team. Buckle up!

ABITIBI CANYON CUTTERS
Dear Santa,
What a year it’s been. As I languish tied for 7th today, the league is talking about buying a championship belt, which doesn’t seem to fit in with the hockey aspect. As well, they’re talking about buying a new trophy, which would be good except the one that keeps getting suggested is not only plastic, it’s not only not engraveable… it’s taller than I am!
What I’d really like for Christmas though is the following:
  • -          An extension to Evgenii Dadonov’s 50% contract
  • -          A new team for Taylor Hall (which would also mean a new team to win the NHL Draft Lottery)
  • -          The other Svechnikov (you gave me the wrong one fat ass)
  • -          Some goaltending (Yes, I know, I had Hellebuyck. Shut up.)


Thanks Santa!

BC BUDS
Dear Santa dude,
Thank you again for making it legal to partake here in Canada. I’m so glad we elected you prime minister man. I don’t care what Harper says, you’re. the. shit.
Wait, he’s what? Who?
Can I still make a list of what I want?
Awesome… here we go!
  • -          Crosby to be always injured, since Malkin only plays like he’s in the top 100 when Sid is injured apparently
  • -          Speaking of Sidney, if they would be able to make an offer for a change?
  • -          Another Brad Marchand. There’s more than one right?
  • -          James Neal, circa October
  • -          SOMEONE to trade for Cedric Paquette
  • -          Can Mitch not be hurt anymore?
  • -          While we’re at it, Tarasenko too please.
  • -          A starting goalie Thanks Roswell!
  • -           A championship belt


LAS VEGAS VAGABONDS
Dear Santa,
Thank you very much for Makar and Hughes, and for freeing up Fabbri. And for Kakko and the good Svechnikov. That being said, there are some things we need to discuss. Mainly:
  • -          Can I get the real Bobrovsky? The one I have seems broken
  • -          Please fix Greiss quickly.
  • -          If I could somehow draft top 2 AGAIN, that would be awesome.
  • -          Whatever you do, DON’T touch McDavid. He’s fine just the way he is. HANDS OFF FATTY…
  • -          Sorry about that Fatty remark. Please don’t take it out on McDavid…


MASSACHUSETTS SPITFIRES
Dear Santa,
We’ve all been really good girls this year. Sarah’s mom even said it’s been our best year yet, and Sarah says her mom is always right. I don’t know why, but my mom said that SHE’S always right, so now we don’t know who to believe? We’re doing out…

*Checks over letter*
Oh, sorry about that folks, it seems we had the list from the *other* Massachusetts Spitfires team. You know, the one in the all girl kids’ league. How Embarrassing…
*Gets out the correct letter* Ah, here we go…

“Dear Santa,
We love trading. How about you? Will you trade with me? If not, here are things we would like.
  • -          More trades
  • -          More teams to trade with
  • -          More draft picks to trade
  • -          More goalies to trade
  • -          More goalies to not to trade
  • -          Draft picks (I traded most of them)
  • -          The end of the 2019-2020 season so all my buy-outs can expire


NORTHUMBERLAND KINGS
Dear Santa,
Thank you for helping me trick Roswell into all those trades. Have you seen my draft picks? MUAHAHAHA. Also, I’d like the following:
  • -          More trades with Roswell
  • -          The Gusev from the hype, not the one from the Devils
  • -          Someone to take Panarin off my hands. Again. Yes, I know I traded for him again. Shut up.
  • -          More Goalies (I need them all)
  • -          More Draft Picks (Also need them all)
  • -          Could I potentially get Heiskanen back? 

OTTAWA KNIGHTS
Dear Santa,
For a team from Ottawa, we’re actually pretty good right now. Please don’t fuck it all up. We’re not THAT team from Ottawa. If you could somehow get us the following, though:
  • -          Ovechkin light (you know, the Laine we were supposed to be getting?)
  • -          A starting goalie (hahaha no I’m kidding. But if you could let Vas know the season’s started, that would be killer)
  • -          Some cap space would be nice
  • -          Someone to properly pronounce my name. No, my dad doesn’t count.


PORT ARTHUR SNOWGOONS
Dear Santa,
Honestly, if you could just heal up Crosby (don’t listen to that stoner from BC. Fuck him.), we’d be good as is. And if it’s not too much trouble, can you bring back the old PK.. you know, the Canadiens version? That’s all from us. We’ve got an embarrassment of riches here. We won’t even ask for draft picks BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW I’LL JUST TRADE THEM AWAY ANYWAYS…

RAMEA ISLAND GROWLERS
Dear Nick,
Since I’m the same age as you, hope the first name basis thing is ok. You’ve been pretty good to me, so what’s up with the 1-6-1 record? OH THAT’S RIGHT – I FINALLY GET SOME GOALIES AND YOU GIVE RINNE AND PRICE .889 SV% AND 3+ GAA. I mean, come on man…
  • -          The REAL Rinne and Price…
  • -          A time machine to make DiPietro ready
  • -          My 1st and 2nd rounders back for this year.
  • -          NO MORE INJURIES mkay? You stay away from Eichel and Matthews, you hear me by? Lord thundering I’ll sma *Ed note: Ramea went off on a Newfie tangent. We didn’t understand most of what he said after this part.*


ROSWELL INVADERS
Dear Santa,
Ahahaha real fucking funny. I finally get goalies that should be able to carry me and you trick me into not figuring out which one to play which night. BRAVO…
  • -          WTF happened to the guys I got from Northumberland? I need these guys playing better….
  • -          More W/E forwards playing
  • -          Better scheduling to I don’t sit half my W/E defense nightly please?
  • -          Can you wake up Ghostbear? Klinger seems to be coming around, don’t touch.
  • -          A player in the database named Al Borland so I can hire an assistant
  • -          An undo on several trades?


SACRE COEUR STINGRAYS
Dear Pere Noel,
Honestly, I’m good. The new bundle of joy is all I need right now. I mean, if you *really* wanted to, I’d love just a couple small things, but if not, we’re good here.
  • -          The old Pavelski?
  • -          Last year’s Domi?
  • -          This year’s Weber for the next 7 years
  • -          If Fleury could miss a bunch of games (just don’t tell Roswell I wished for this?)



SASKATOON SKELETONS
Dear Santa,
What did I do to you to deserve a 2-5-1 record? I’m a nice guy, I post Hulk Hogan memes we all laugh at… Come on bro…
  • -          Could I get the version of Mittelstadt that everyone was talking about before? This one sucks.
  • -          Whatever you did to Perron, keep doing it.
  • -          Can I get a discount on Kane somehow?
  • -          I know it’s tough to consider 28 points in 23 games a let down, but Kucherov… can we pick it up a little?
  • -          What happened to Gustafsson? Seriously?
  • -          A Christmas Miracle in the crease would be great. No pressure.


ST LAWRENCE VIKINGS
Dear Santa,
Hi, it’s me, the new guy. I took over for JD, and I must say, he left a mess. I’ve tried to fix it up, but, well, could use some help. I would like the following (but don’t ask me about it on Facebook, I might take a day or so to get back to you…) :
  • -          A perpetually injured Patrice Bergeron, so that Krejci can ride shotgun with Pasta and Ratnose for ever.
  • -          Last year’s version of Phil Kessel
  • -          Last century’s version of Hasek
  • -          20 more Gemel Smiths (for some reason the guys in this league go nuts for him. I don’t get it.)
  • -          GOALIES. PLEASE.


SYDNEY WALLABIES
Dear Santa,
What’s your offer?

VIENNA VULTURES
*Editor’s Note: Vienna is still too busy celebrating their 2nd championship to take part in this exercise. However, we can assume they’d want to stop Ovi from aging, for Carlson to never remember his name isn’t spelled with a K, for Draisaitl to ride shotgun with Jesus forever, and to continue to mine gold in his crease*

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