EFHL Draft Recap: Winners and Losers

 It's been a while, hasn't it?

And hoooooooly fuckedy FUCK, that while has SUUUUUUCKED, hasn't it?

So while we all sit around being bored in the house (remember that?) because some slanty-eyed mother-fucker ate a bad bat, your boy Scoop figured he would put some sunshine in your day. Some kalua in your coffee. Some eggplant in your peach.

Yeaaah, you like that eh?

But, this is supposed to be about the EFHL, so let's try and steer this shitshow that way before we become a literal church of the fudge. (DO NOT GOOGLE THAT. I MEAN IT. - Mario, NOT Scoop.)

So what do we write about? WELL HOW ABOUT THE *checks to ensure Mike's not still on the clock* RECENTLY COMPLETED EFHL DRAFT, SCOOP? 

Great idea, thanks! 

We'll put the teams into tiers here, for the simpletons reading this - not to mention the potheads in BC. Can't use too many syllables or they get confused. The tiers will be Slept with Kate Upton (had a great draft), Slept with your own girlfriend (had a good draft), Slept with your own cousin (good draft, but now it's clear there were some mistakes), Slept with your own sister (Others may think it was a bad idea, but what the fuck do they know), and Slept with your dog (WTF were you thinking?!?).

Let's Go!

SLEPT WITH KATE UPTON

Northumberland Kings: I mean... it's not hard to have a great draft when you have 4 of the first 10 picks and a total of 11 picks, all coming in the first 32 picks. It's like... going to a party with all your favorite hookers, but you still give them all a roofie. Too easy, even if it IS a great fucking time. 

B.C. Buds: Going 1st helps, but landing guys like Kubalik AND Robertson helped B.C. improve tremendously as early as next year. That's 3 potential game changers all on cheap cheap deals that can be streamed in and out of the lineup like little kids on Epstein's Island. 

SLEPT WITH YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND

Sacré-Coeur Stingrays: While we hear he's a turd for not trading the Askarov pick, we can't blame him. Picking up Sanderson at 9 was a great pick too, and great value was added with the Brisson, Bourque, and Swayman picks. Side note - this is essentially the Roswell draft in another universe, as their GM was FUMING each time the Stingrays took a player. Their picks are a few years away from contributing, but when they do reach the show, they should be of great help. 

Saskatoon Skeletons: Some really solid picks made by the Skeletons, reversing a trend of just horrible management in recent years. Spreading their picks out like the Clintons spread their murders, Saskatoon stocked the cupboard at every single position. A step in the right direction for this once hapless franchise!

Ottawa Leatherdaddies Burnaby Falcons: The former BDSM Lords whipped themselves a great draft despite not having particularly high picks. Holtz was nice, but picking up Jarvis cemented a great start. For this "writer", though, snagging Boqvist with the 2nd to last pick was about as great as the fly on Pence's dumb fucking head and could end up being the best value pick of the year. 

Las Vegas Vagabonds: I debated putting Vegas into the cousin-fuckers below, but at the end of the day, they added Byfield at 2 (as usual...), and every other pick they made was solid. They DID add players from (ewww) Ottawa and Buffalo, but both players will likely move onto better teams at some point, so still good picks. 

St. Lawrence Vikings: Popping their EFHL Draft cherry, the Vikings didn't do too bad at all for a virgin. Drysdale was a smort pick, as he should end up being the best defender in the draft class. Landing some "right now" help on the backend with his next picks will help him pull out from the basement, and landing someone like Kirivanta as late as he did speaks to research. They lack the pizzaz to land Kate Upton, but a very good draft from St. Lawrence. We'll spare them this time, but moving forward, the Vikings will be fair game for my own brand of humor. It's coming, sweetheart. 

SLEPT WITH YOUR OWN COUSIN

Sydney Wallabies: *Are they still on the clock? No? Are we sure? Ok, just checking...* The Wallabies had themselves a decent draft, snagging guys like Lehtonen in the 3rd and angering the draft room for the first time ever. Fagemo with their final pick was also a really nice pickup. But the mistake - in my opinion - that lands them here is spending their 1st round pick on a guy that I believe would have slid further down in Scott Perunovich. Then again they didn't have another pick after that UNTIL Lehtonen, so it may simply be a case of Sydney wanting their guy and taking him. Eventually. 

Vienna Vultures: The greatest team in EFHL history didn't have a pick until the 3rd round, but still made out with pretty good value, snagging a potential McJesus linemate (I'm SURE this one will work out..), at least one player that should provide some help this upcoming year, and restocking at several key positions. The mistake landing them here? Not having any higher picks. Vienna didn't necessarily do anything wrong, they just didn't do enough to climb higher up. So they land here, with their mother's sister's daughter. 

SLEPT WITH YOUR OWN SISTER

Port Arthur Snowgoons: As is tradition, Port Arthur had no 1st or 2nd round picks. They loaded up on the blueline and in the crease, but those positions usually take longer to develop, so their draft will only really pay dividends years from now. Kind of like when you make friends with the really cute teenage girl but wait until she's 18. 

Ramea Island Growlers: Mercer was a nice pick, so we'll give the Newfies that much. But the rest of their draft picks include an undrafted 19 year old goalie and a couple of project defensemen. It's a goooood thing these dogs picked Mercer or they'd be sleeping with a dog instead of their sister. Wait... that doesn't work here... shit...

Roswell Invaders: Much like Vienna above, Roswell's biggest mistake was TRADING AWAY ALL THOSE DRAFT PICKS YOU FUCKING IDIOT... Ahem. By the time they made their first pick, their queue had been decimated. Coming out of the 2020 draft with 3 decent wingers is not as BAD as it could have gone, but man on man, this feels like a loss for the anal-probbers here...

Abitibi Canyon Cutters: Well fuck me, I forgot to add the Cutters to this list. Probably because, much like the Invaders, they were mostly undone by not having many picks. They also loaded up on longer term development, but you take what you can get when you're from Northern Ontario only drafting as of the end of the 4th round.

SLEPT WITH YOUR DOG

Massachusetts Spitfires: And then there was one.

Honestly, they should have just stayed out of it. They wouldn't have even been on the list. But then, right at the end of it, they couldn't handle the temptation and they just went for it. Flipping likely better assets for 7th round picks, the Spitfires just needed their bump, and they took the proverbial hit off the draft crack pipe. We hope they had fun. The dog won't look us in the eyes anymore. 

Well, that's it for me for today folks - all 13 of you... God dammit I need a better reader base...