The Inside Scoop

 It's been a while, hasn't it? And hoooooooly fuckedy FUCK, that while has SUUUUUUCKED, hasn't it? So while we all sit around being bored in the house (remember that?) because some slanty-eyed mother-fucker ate a bad bat, your boy Scoop figured he would put some sunshine in your day. Some kalua in your coffee. Some eggplant in your peach. Yeaaah, you like that eh? But, this is supposed to be about the EFHL, so let's try and steer this shitshow that way before we become a literal church of the fudge. (DO NOT GOOGLE THAT. I MEAN IT. - Mario, NOT Scoop.) So what do we write about? WELL HOW ABOUT THE *checks to ensure Mike's not still on the clock* RECENTLY COMPLETED EFHL DRAFT, SCOOP?  Great idea, thanks!  We'll put the teams into tiers here, for the simpletons reading this - not to mention the potheads in BC. Can't use too many syllables or they get confused. The tiers will be Slept with Kate Upton (had a great draft), Slept with your own girlfriend (had a goo...

Welcome cretins. You just won’t stop pestering for these shitty little articles that are mainly using crude language and offensive humor. For this… I love you. Today, we’ll get into the spirit of the season and write letters to Santa for every team. Buckle up! ABITIBI CANYON CUTTERS Dear Santa, What a year it’s been. As I languish tied for 7 th today, the league is talking about buying a championship belt, which doesn’t seem to fit in with the hockey aspect. As well, they’re talking about buying a new trophy, which would be good except the one that keeps getting suggested is not only plastic, it’s not only not engraveable… it’s taller than I am! What I’d really like for Christmas though is the following: -           An extension to Evgenii Dadonov’s 50% contract -           A new team for Taylor Hall (which would also mean a new team to win the NHL Draft Lottery) -  ...

***The scene starts on an island. A man sits in a chair, his back to the camera. The beach is serene, with white sands and waves cresting nearby. A girl, no older than 17, runs by. The man leers at her and smiles. His thoughts are interrupted by a servant - some local native, not important to the story - with a message.*** Servant : Sir, sir, the people, they are still asking for you... Man : I don't care, Thingthing, I'm done with it. It was stupid, it was for a fake league, and it was stupid. Also, it was stupid. Thingthing : Sir, my name is Carlos, not Thingthing, we've gone over this. And you don't understand - they still cry for you in the night like little babies.  Incredibly well spoken Man : Whatever you say, Thingthing. Unless there's something Earth-Shattering, I'm not. Ever. Doing. That. Again. Servant, possible Carlos, not sure : Well, you see, Mr Scoop, that's the thing... It's happened again... Scoop Rumerton ; Hah, the way yo...

Hotter than the Notre Dame Cathedral, Scoop here to give you something to read while you shit at work. It's The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly, EFHL coaches edition! Jose Theodore - Abitibi Canyon Cutters Good: Brings a strong defensive mindset to the team, which will hopefully help Hellebuyck rebound. Bad: Had notoriously poor rebound control, which is not quite what we meant. Hopefully he doesn't try and teach personally. Ugly: Arguably the biggest French Canadian star on a team based in a largely French speaking region. Sacré Bleu! Joffrey Lupul - BC Buds Good: Long thought captive on Robidas Island, apparently, BC was able to send a missionary to the island to retrieve Lupul. *Receives an old-timey Morse code paper* I'm saddened to report that the missionary was killed and Lupul is currently presumed dead as well. Our thoughts are with the family. However, BC needs a coach, so here for the sloppy seconds is Sean Avery - BC Buds Good: The way he played on the ice,...

Rejoice, folks. Scoop is back. The constant cries for my witty, inappropriate sense of humor has touched me in a place that only Jacko ever did, that one time in Neverland. But Scoop we love you so much where have you been? Listen, I've been... Busy. My vacation to New Zealand was a gong show, there was some personal stuff I had to deal with in Scotland, and just all in all, if I'm being honest, there was a ton of meth. But that's all behind me for now. The heat's still WAY too hot. So I figured I'd drop in and entertain you for a few hundred words. And I have to say, it's great to see you all aga... *Stares awkwardly at Richard for several minutes, turns to a random GM* Me: " Who let their dad in?" Ottawa GM: "Uh, me, and technically everyone else. But mostly me. I had to hack Glasgow's owners account and quit under their name, but he still hasn't noticed so it's all really worked out for the best." Huh, well then. Ok.....

Comments made on this blog are those of the writer and do not reflect the views of the EFHL, the League Manager, or any of the teams. This article is meant to garner laughs, gasps, and orgasms. Ok, well, laughs and gasps. Orgasms optional.  Welcome to the 8th edition of Housekeeping - a look at the off-season for teams that have been eliminated from the EFHL Playoffs. We continue with the team that finished 7th on the season, the Saskatoon Skeletons. *** Reader Discretion is advised. Gratuitous language and attempts at shock humor to follow *** SEASON RECAP Apparently, the Skeletons are the kings of the "meh" trade. No offense to anyone here, but other than trades involving Kopitar, Benn, Honka (twice), Suter, Koivu, Ellis, Rinne, Schultz (twice), Toews, Little, and Gemel Fucking Smith... wait that's a massive list. Who writes this crap? Worse yet, who's still reading? Damn... The Skeletons quietly were among the bigger movers and shakers this year...